9 years ago today I watched, with everyone else, horrendous things happening in New York, Pennsylvania and at the Pentagon. I was working at the same place I'm at now, answering phones at the front desk that day so I had to be at work by 8 and was up at 6am and watched in horror as the second tower fell. I cried a LOT that day and pretty much every day after that for a while. I had been depressed for a long time and all that sadness around me, even tho it did not affect me personally through the loss of someone I loved, just sent me into a cocoon of self-soothing. I could not soothe the people I was watching on tv, so I soothed myself.
One of the things that happens to some people when they get depressed is that their sleep patterns change. It's something therapists (such as myself) will ask in an entrance inverview with a patient. "How are you sleeping?" A lot of the time people that experience depression will have a difficult time sleeping. Sometimes they will have a hard time NOT sleeping. It's called hypersomnia. And I had it. Boy could I sleep. 20 hours was not out of the question at some points in my depression.
*side note from the therapist: if any of these symptoms sound familiar and have been disrupting your life for more than a month, please consider talking to someone. Depression is an illness I am incredibly glad to be away from and is absolutely serious.Don't try to just "gut it out", it's like trying to gut out Diabetes. It can kill you.*
Another symptom, something a therapist will ask is "have your eating habits changed?" Many people with depression will find it difficult to experience pleasure from things that they normally would and eating is one of the big flags. They just won't eat. And there is also a goup that will not be able to STOP eating. Guess which group I fit into? Yep. In college I failed a class because I went to it 3 times in a quarter because I stayed in my room all day watching my tiny 8" television and eating mac and cheese or rice and salsa from my dorm room crock pot. I slept and carbo-loaded. And I gained 100 pounds. In about 5 years. These are the same pounds I am working on losing now.
So, on September 11, 2001 I cried and went home and I don't remember what I ate but I do remember sitting on the couch (I lived with my brother and sister-in law at the time) next to my brother and absorbing what was happening. I was not healthy. I lived in a suburban neighborhood with plenty of space to walk but I never did. I was sedentary. Nine years later I spent the day walking next to a beach I had no idea existed less than 5 miles from my house. And I walked 4 miles. It was a beautiful fall day. Not a cloud in the sky. Warm breeze on the water and did I mention I walked 4 miles? It was actually more like 4.5 miles. At over 3 miles an hour (because it took us just under 1 1/2 hours).
And I rewarded myself (again) with a ginger mojito. This time I was hungry so I got a veggie burger with swiss cheese and mushrooms and lettuce and tomato. I took the top off the bun and ate probably 1/2 of the bottom. I had a salad on the side with vinaigrette (on the side) and 2 mojitos. As you may recall those little suckers are 4 points each!! So I had 2 big glasses of ice water too. I had a great breakfast this morning, egg white omelette with fresh spinach and reduced fat feta cheese and mushrooms, a vanilla yogurt (Lite & Fit) and 2 pieces of the Sara Lee toast. Oh and a cup of tea. The food was all good and the exercise was GREAT.
Tomorrow is weigh in day and no matter what comes out on the scale I am prepared to continue working on this. I FEEL better. Work and all that stuff might not be the best but compared to what happened to all those people 9 years ago? Yeah, a dumb boss and insane demands are NOTHING compared to that. Time, and a good walk help clear the head. (Plus my horoscope that keeps telling me not to quit my day job told me that something that looked bad would end up being good....)
So, 9 years later I am active, I am not depressed (haven't been in over 6 years) and I am learning better, healthier ways to self-soothe. In the end it IS all about freedom isn't it?
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
How funny...not as in ha ha...but as in ironic. I didn't know until just now that you had posted this, and I did mine like 2 hours after yours. Great minds think alike.
ReplyDeleteThis is great reading. And sad. And hopeful. And amazing all at once.
Thanks for sharing about yourself and being real for others to see and learn from. Like me. :)
:) yes, I thought that when I read your post. Thanks for the compliment. It was a big deal all around. For many different reasons. I still watch planes fly over my head every single day and I always remember that day. Every single day. But I am hopeful.
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