*walks into the e-room hesitantly and looks around*
Oh, hello, you're still here. Yes, I am too. I have returned, dear readers. And oh my have I gone back to step 1. I just looked and the last time I posted was in August, and that wasn't a real post. Yeah, it's really been a helluva year. In many ways it has not been good. In one really really big way it has been fantastic, but the not-good has seemed to overwhelm.
So I'm back to where I started. I went to put on some pants today while doing laundry, pants that I know I could wear in June, and they won't fit. I wanted to lie on the bed and cry. Instead I just said "oh girl, what have you been doing to yourself?" The thing is I have not been caring for myself. I've been hibernating in a way. Stocking up on carbs etc. Because daily life has pretty much sucked since this summer.
Earlier really. It has been a year heavy with losses - my darling pet in February (I don't have kids, I had cats and my Reilly-girl isn't here now to attack the Christmas trees and it makes me cry), one of my very best friends in June - out of the blue. And then in September a group of women that I worked with and was friends with, spent the majority of my every-day life with for the last few years were all summarily dismissed from work. It doesn't matter that my worst-ever boss was let go (she can tell people she retired but she was pushed out) a little more than a month later. Or that her horrible excuse for a human being boss is "retiring" next month. What mattered to me was that a significant support system in my life, women I counted on (still do, we are setting up a monthly ladies' night get together) were suddenly gone. And I do not deal well with that amount of loss. Just typing about it makes me cry. Not just for the loss of companionship and support at work, but for the panic and fear that they are suddenly facing in a time where to be out of work is to be in a very big and seemingly aimless boat.
My reaction to these losses has been to pack it in. Anything comforting to eat or drink, I'm putting it in my mouth. And I am not moving. Not getting up out of my seat. I know I need to. My sister in law very nearly died a couple of weeks ago because she has blood clots in her leg and lung and one of the ways to get those is to sit. A lot. Another reason I'm not getting up enough is that I don't want to interact with the new people that have been installed at work. To call them imbeciles would be unkind. To imeciles. And so I get to work and I sit. And I type. And then I go home. I keep telling myself that I should get up and go for a walk. I did once. Walked for 10 minutes. My legs hurt when I was done. A ten minute walk made my legs hurt!! That pissed me off.
So I'm back again. I know that posting on here helps me to be honest and maybe writing it out will help me to get through the emotional excuses I've been using to not make healthy choices. I hope so. Because I know that I am headed in a dangerous direction and I want to stop.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
