Today is the funeral. It is a gorgeous early summer day, birds are singing, there are tiny puffy clouds in a clear blue sky and I am going on vacation. I decided not to go to the funeral after much discussion with my husband and her's. The very thought of being there when I don't believe she is (I mean the body she was once living in is but SHE isn't.) made me ill. Add to it the fact that I am flying to vacation today and I have decided that my funeral, my good-bye, will be a different process.
Today I woke up early and cried, again. But not as much as I have. And then I came out to sit in the sun with the cat. Not unlike what she would normally do on the weekends. I forgot to mention Tigger in my tribute to her. Tigger is Charlene's cat. She got her 12 years ago, about the same time as my cat came to live with me. Tigger is a scrawny little mop head in the muted calico colors of white, grey and peach. And she doesn't love anyone but Charlene. Maybe Charlene's husband. But generally that cat is just pissy. So on the weekends when I would go over to her house I would greet Tigger from afar. And she would hiss politely at me from the blanket on the back of the couch.
Today I will move on from my sad songs. I will put Florence & The Machine in my iPod for the trip and I will go play with a baby girl and her parents and rehab myself.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
still here
not doing ok with this. Took Monday off. Left today at 1pm and took tomorrow off. Grief is a helluva thing. It knocks you off your axis and makes you all dizzy till you think you're gonna puke. Actually on Sunday night I did puke. Just so sad.
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
Monday, June 20, 2011
*poof*
Wow. So this last week was full of lots of family fun, with birthdays for my dad and nephew and yesterday's Father's Day and birthday party for the 9 year old. Too many carbs to count and my body was already repenting for this when I got a message last night from the husband of a very dear friend. And I called him. And the entire concept of eating, much less smiling was gone in one short sentence.
Charlene died on Friday. Charlene was my friend, 42 yrs old and now she is gone. She and I met right out of college, we were both therapists at a community mental health clinic and quickly realized that we were meant to be friends. Sarcasm? Check. Laughter? Check. And uncanny knack for finding fantastic shopping deals at bargain basement prices? Double check. Charlene was one of 2 people that heavily influenced my thought processes when it comes to decorating your space (the other is the friend that inspired me to start this blog, M) and she was (just like M) OCD to the extent that I - being the pain in the ass that I am - would delight in tormenting her. I would regularly delight in telling her, as I was leaving her house in Boise that was decorated like something out of Pottery Barn or Pier 1, "I moved something in your kitchen" and skip out the door as she yelled bad words at me and went to go re-organize.
She was taller than I am, nearly 6' and rail thin. She could eat. A LOT. And never gain weight. For which I called her "bitch". Many a weekend was spent going to Home Depot to pick out stuff, or look at stuff to buy later to make her little house into a gorgeous place. She was an ex-Mormon and answered my questions about the "magical underwear" and other things that I wanted to know. She drank gallons of Diet Coke in what she lovingly called "beveragezilla" - a 72 oz red tub that sat between us in her old white Ford Taurus while we listened to the soundtrack for Rent (which to this day I have not seen but I know by heart). We used to greet each other with the phrase "rice and beans and.....cheese" (from the musical) and she had a raunchy fantastic sense of humor.
Charlene knew me when I was in the depths of my depression. Days when I would not get out of bed until she would show up (she had a key) and stand in my doorway and say "get your ASS out of bed". She knew what to say and what not to say. In 2001 she was packing for a conference in Seattle and I sat on the bed while she (perfectly) packed all of her things. I said "don't forget the lingerie!" She had broken up with her boyfriend in the last year (a lawyer, and a jerk) and she looked at me down that long beautiful nose of her's and said "what the hell for?!" I said "you never know..." So she packed it. And went to the conference. And was in an elevator in the hotel where the conference was being held when they had the earthquake. The other person in the elevator was a therapist that worked for the VA and they were married 18 months later. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding - something I do not ever do. I wore a dress and everything. And after making a (not a little bit drunk) toast at her reception we wandered out to the bar. Me in my navy blue dress, made by her mother (still a Mormon, it was the opposite of revealing, and HOT, not in a good way) and Charlene in her beautiful white wedding dress. We sat on bar stools and toasted to the future. And to getting what you want.
Life kept us busy in our own areas - she in Colorado Springs for a while, and then eventually to New Mexico. And me here in the Northwest, rebuilding my life. About 2 years ago I realized I hadn't talked to her in at least 2 years and I wasn't at all sure where she lived anymore and didn't have her latest email address. So I went on a Google search and cold-mailed her at the last address I found. 2 weeks later I got the first of many emails and just over a month ago we got to see each other face to face when she was here for a conference with her husband.
She had chronic pain and at this early stage of the investigation (she was found last night, her husband had been out of town for work - so they always do an investigation) it appears that she had an adverse reaction to her pain medications. I am still processing this whole thing. I am incredibly sad and heart-sick over the loss of such an amazing person. So full of life. And gone in an instant. In a phone call that, even as I was dialing I knew would change things forever.
You will hear this from me on many occasions dear reader, because I believe it to be of paramount importance, do not waste time or put off telling the people in your life that you love them. You simply never know when you won't get another chance.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Charlene died on Friday. Charlene was my friend, 42 yrs old and now she is gone. She and I met right out of college, we were both therapists at a community mental health clinic and quickly realized that we were meant to be friends. Sarcasm? Check. Laughter? Check. And uncanny knack for finding fantastic shopping deals at bargain basement prices? Double check. Charlene was one of 2 people that heavily influenced my thought processes when it comes to decorating your space (the other is the friend that inspired me to start this blog, M) and she was (just like M) OCD to the extent that I - being the pain in the ass that I am - would delight in tormenting her. I would regularly delight in telling her, as I was leaving her house in Boise that was decorated like something out of Pottery Barn or Pier 1, "I moved something in your kitchen" and skip out the door as she yelled bad words at me and went to go re-organize.
She was taller than I am, nearly 6' and rail thin. She could eat. A LOT. And never gain weight. For which I called her "bitch". Many a weekend was spent going to Home Depot to pick out stuff, or look at stuff to buy later to make her little house into a gorgeous place. She was an ex-Mormon and answered my questions about the "magical underwear" and other things that I wanted to know. She drank gallons of Diet Coke in what she lovingly called "beveragezilla" - a 72 oz red tub that sat between us in her old white Ford Taurus while we listened to the soundtrack for Rent (which to this day I have not seen but I know by heart). We used to greet each other with the phrase "rice and beans and.....cheese" (from the musical) and she had a raunchy fantastic sense of humor.
Charlene knew me when I was in the depths of my depression. Days when I would not get out of bed until she would show up (she had a key) and stand in my doorway and say "get your ASS out of bed". She knew what to say and what not to say. In 2001 she was packing for a conference in Seattle and I sat on the bed while she (perfectly) packed all of her things. I said "don't forget the lingerie!" She had broken up with her boyfriend in the last year (a lawyer, and a jerk) and she looked at me down that long beautiful nose of her's and said "what the hell for?!" I said "you never know..." So she packed it. And went to the conference. And was in an elevator in the hotel where the conference was being held when they had the earthquake. The other person in the elevator was a therapist that worked for the VA and they were married 18 months later. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding - something I do not ever do. I wore a dress and everything. And after making a (not a little bit drunk) toast at her reception we wandered out to the bar. Me in my navy blue dress, made by her mother (still a Mormon, it was the opposite of revealing, and HOT, not in a good way) and Charlene in her beautiful white wedding dress. We sat on bar stools and toasted to the future. And to getting what you want.
Life kept us busy in our own areas - she in Colorado Springs for a while, and then eventually to New Mexico. And me here in the Northwest, rebuilding my life. About 2 years ago I realized I hadn't talked to her in at least 2 years and I wasn't at all sure where she lived anymore and didn't have her latest email address. So I went on a Google search and cold-mailed her at the last address I found. 2 weeks later I got the first of many emails and just over a month ago we got to see each other face to face when she was here for a conference with her husband.
She had chronic pain and at this early stage of the investigation (she was found last night, her husband had been out of town for work - so they always do an investigation) it appears that she had an adverse reaction to her pain medications. I am still processing this whole thing. I am incredibly sad and heart-sick over the loss of such an amazing person. So full of life. And gone in an instant. In a phone call that, even as I was dialing I knew would change things forever.
You will hear this from me on many occasions dear reader, because I believe it to be of paramount importance, do not waste time or put off telling the people in your life that you love them. You simply never know when you won't get another chance.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Monday, June 13, 2011
Yooooogadthatsgonnahurttomorrow!
So, tonight I did P90X by myself. With no one but the cat watching. I'll admit here and now I only got through 20 min of the 90 min yoga work out. HOLY CRAPANOLES Batman - it's just amazing what these fairly simple moves will do for your heart rate!!
Starts off nice and easy - with breathing. HAHA. Then goes into side stretches, also fairly easy altho I have to be careful or else I'll give myself a cramp. And then they start in on it. Have I mentioned how much I hate Plank pose? Ahh good. Well for the 20 min (23 min I think actually) I did it was 99% Plank Pose. *(@#*%
So, you start off with a sun salutation. Sounds nice enough, and it is. You reach your hands up into the sky, then you put your arms out to the side, looking up as you reach down to the floor in what Tony (the P90X guy and I are on first name basis see) calls a Swan dive. You keep your back straight and let your arms dangle, then on an exhale you reach and put your hands flat on the floor (STRETCH!) and then you move into the dreaded Plank Pose.
Pirates used to make people walk the plank to their death. I'm fairly certain that's where this little bugger got it's name. Plank pose is the beginning of a good old-fashioned push up. Except you stay up. And hold it. Keeping the back straight, holding your weight on your shoulders and HOLDING your stomach muscles IN (I forget to do that, WAY too easy to let the belly just hang).
Then you do a push up (which I can't do yet) and go down into upward facing dog. That is basically where you have your belly and legs on the ground and your torso, arms and head are as straight up as you can push them (arms killing you by now).
Then you do another pushup (which I am just lucky to get back into Plank pose so I skip it for now) and go back to Plank Pose and into Downward facing Dog. That pose basically turns your body into an upside down V. Balancing your body on your feet and hands. (all this time you are supposed to breathe in deeply and in a controlled fashion - not gasping like a guppie evidently...) Then you go BACK TO PLANK (oh the humanity!)
Part way through they change it up (usually you just repeat and reverse everything I just wrote out) and instead of starting over, you "swing" one of your legs up into the sky, while holding (you guessed it) Plank pose. And then you're supposed to swing it through until it stands on the floor under your arm. Ok, I cannot do that. So I swing the leg back and up, then I just pull it underneath me until the front leg is bent and the back leg is stretched out straight behind you. And you go into Runner's Pose, which you basically just let your arms dangle to the floor if you can, while balancing. And then you sit up straight and push your arms into the sky into Warrior 1 pose. Not so bad. Warrior 2 pose is where the arms come down and one stretches out in front and the other in back of you. And then? Do it ALL OVER AGAIN.
Like I said, it goes on for 90 min and I only did 20 tonight. But I did it. With only myself watching and keeping me accountable. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do it again, going for 30 min. It's all about baby steps. And oh my goodness I can feel this in my shoulders and abs. YAY!
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Starts off nice and easy - with breathing. HAHA. Then goes into side stretches, also fairly easy altho I have to be careful or else I'll give myself a cramp. And then they start in on it. Have I mentioned how much I hate Plank pose? Ahh good. Well for the 20 min (23 min I think actually) I did it was 99% Plank Pose. *(@#*%
So, you start off with a sun salutation. Sounds nice enough, and it is. You reach your hands up into the sky, then you put your arms out to the side, looking up as you reach down to the floor in what Tony (the P90X guy and I are on first name basis see) calls a Swan dive. You keep your back straight and let your arms dangle, then on an exhale you reach and put your hands flat on the floor (STRETCH!) and then you move into the dreaded Plank Pose.
Pirates used to make people walk the plank to their death. I'm fairly certain that's where this little bugger got it's name. Plank pose is the beginning of a good old-fashioned push up. Except you stay up. And hold it. Keeping the back straight, holding your weight on your shoulders and HOLDING your stomach muscles IN (I forget to do that, WAY too easy to let the belly just hang).
Then you do a push up (which I can't do yet) and go down into upward facing dog. That is basically where you have your belly and legs on the ground and your torso, arms and head are as straight up as you can push them (arms killing you by now).
Then you do another pushup (which I am just lucky to get back into Plank pose so I skip it for now) and go back to Plank Pose and into Downward facing Dog. That pose basically turns your body into an upside down V. Balancing your body on your feet and hands. (all this time you are supposed to breathe in deeply and in a controlled fashion - not gasping like a guppie evidently...) Then you go BACK TO PLANK (oh the humanity!)
Part way through they change it up (usually you just repeat and reverse everything I just wrote out) and instead of starting over, you "swing" one of your legs up into the sky, while holding (you guessed it) Plank pose. And then you're supposed to swing it through until it stands on the floor under your arm. Ok, I cannot do that. So I swing the leg back and up, then I just pull it underneath me until the front leg is bent and the back leg is stretched out straight behind you. And you go into Runner's Pose, which you basically just let your arms dangle to the floor if you can, while balancing. And then you sit up straight and push your arms into the sky into Warrior 1 pose. Not so bad. Warrior 2 pose is where the arms come down and one stretches out in front and the other in back of you. And then? Do it ALL OVER AGAIN.
Like I said, it goes on for 90 min and I only did 20 tonight. But I did it. With only myself watching and keeping me accountable. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do it again, going for 30 min. It's all about baby steps. And oh my goodness I can feel this in my shoulders and abs. YAY!
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Friday, June 10, 2011
technology is my friend
so, I lost not one computer but TWO computers in the last week. Lost them actually in the space of 3 days. That's why I haven't been online....word to the wise: write your passwords down in case the very special secret file you saved them all in DISAPPEARS in the time it takes to stand up and walk to the kitchen to get a cup of cofffee.
So, I've been doing P90X. It's Friday so we aren't doing it tonight (have a friend that visits every Friday to play games) but I can tell you that I have muscles that are showing their presence by way of PAIN. We've done core 2 times now (HATE core but it's so good for you), cardio 2 times (again, laid on the floor at the end and wanted to DIE), the stretching one once which was GREAT and the chest and arms which wasn't bad. I was looking online tonight at Jillian Michaels' Facebook page and there's a picture of her working out troops over seas. The picture shows an entire gymnasium of people doing the dreaded Superman move (of superman-banana in P90X). I said to myself "I've DONE THAT!"
And I exercised when I didn't want to. On the nights that I didn't even bring it up I didn't have to - the cd got put into the player and we were off. It's a matter of telling myself "I CAN DO THIS".
And I'm down another 2 pounds. So that's 5 pounds since I started trying to move more. Oh, and I'm drinking what I term "beveragezilla" every day (72 oz of water). So at the very least I can't sit too long at work - I have to PEE all the time!
The ant bites are nearly gone - but still shadowing my wrists after 2 weeks. And the lawn didn't get finished. But we did exercise 4 out of the last 5 nights. And will do the yoga disc tomorrow. (I'm a bit terrified of that one - it's 90 minutes and it's YOGA.....sun salutation to plank to push up to upward facing dog to push up to plank to runners pose to warrior one to warrior 2 and back to plank......) But I am starting to feel different. And look different. I CAN DO THIS.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
So, I've been doing P90X. It's Friday so we aren't doing it tonight (have a friend that visits every Friday to play games) but I can tell you that I have muscles that are showing their presence by way of PAIN. We've done core 2 times now (HATE core but it's so good for you), cardio 2 times (again, laid on the floor at the end and wanted to DIE), the stretching one once which was GREAT and the chest and arms which wasn't bad. I was looking online tonight at Jillian Michaels' Facebook page and there's a picture of her working out troops over seas. The picture shows an entire gymnasium of people doing the dreaded Superman move (of superman-banana in P90X). I said to myself "I've DONE THAT!"
And I exercised when I didn't want to. On the nights that I didn't even bring it up I didn't have to - the cd got put into the player and we were off. It's a matter of telling myself "I CAN DO THIS".
And I'm down another 2 pounds. So that's 5 pounds since I started trying to move more. Oh, and I'm drinking what I term "beveragezilla" every day (72 oz of water). So at the very least I can't sit too long at work - I have to PEE all the time!
The ant bites are nearly gone - but still shadowing my wrists after 2 weeks. And the lawn didn't get finished. But we did exercise 4 out of the last 5 nights. And will do the yoga disc tomorrow. (I'm a bit terrified of that one - it's 90 minutes and it's YOGA.....sun salutation to plank to push up to upward facing dog to push up to plank to runners pose to warrior one to warrior 2 and back to plank......) But I am starting to feel different. And look different. I CAN DO THIS.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
mexican ant dance
So, didn't do P90X tonight. A very good friend had a birthday today and we went out to dinner to celebrate. Mexican food. I had a veggie tostada and a cheese tamale and it was fantastic. Of course now I feel like a blimp - note: rice? not my friend anymore. I can see how all those people get by on just 1 cup a day - it fills you UP.
And where, you might be asking, do the ants come into play? Well I discovered this weekend, whilst working in the yard, trying to dislodge grass from around a clump of fantastic daffodils, that I am allergic to ant bites. I didn't even realize I was sitting in them till they were all over me and while I am happy to say they didn't bite me everywhere, they did get me on my wrists. Today is the 4th day and these things have swollen up to look like some sort of horrible acne or plague. It's about all I can do to not scratch all the time. I have plastered Caladryl lotion (see: poison oak/ivy stuff) on them and that holds me for about 7 hours and then I have to do it again.
The thing is, I was thinking while out there digging in the dirt, killing off these industrious little (biting) creatures. And (I realize that I'm looking for morals to the story but bear with me) I came up with a couple of correlations. First of all you have the ants. Working SUPER hard to create colonies and working in groups to do it. They can carry an amazingly huge amount of weight, and they just keep on going. Until the job is done. And then they go on to the next thing. Of course I'm thinking about exercise and how my job is not going to be done for a lot of pounds, but it's not impossible. If those tiny little buggars can do it - I can.
Then we come to roots. I don't know if you've ever looked closely at the roots of crab grass or clover before but I have had multiple occasions over the last 2 weeks to see them. At first glance they look like ramen. Not even joking. I'd pull up the old weed barrier and there would be this mass of curly white things in a bunch. And they were DEEP in the ground. Feet from where the stalk was defacing my otherwise beautiful landscape. It took a lot of work to get them out. The deeper the root, the harder it was to pull out. And of course I related this to my eating habits. I have had YEARS to create my bad habits. Years of "oh just go to Taco Bell" or "I'll drive" instead of walking... And the deeper that root is the harder it is to dislodge it. But if you keep at it and just do something consistently you CAN get rid of the roots.
So that's my mission right now: getting rid of the old roots and purposefully planting new ones. And being as consistent as I know how. (And I'm German and Irish - I can do stubborn until it's consistent...)
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
And where, you might be asking, do the ants come into play? Well I discovered this weekend, whilst working in the yard, trying to dislodge grass from around a clump of fantastic daffodils, that I am allergic to ant bites. I didn't even realize I was sitting in them till they were all over me and while I am happy to say they didn't bite me everywhere, they did get me on my wrists. Today is the 4th day and these things have swollen up to look like some sort of horrible acne or plague. It's about all I can do to not scratch all the time. I have plastered Caladryl lotion (see: poison oak/ivy stuff) on them and that holds me for about 7 hours and then I have to do it again.
The thing is, I was thinking while out there digging in the dirt, killing off these industrious little (biting) creatures. And (I realize that I'm looking for morals to the story but bear with me) I came up with a couple of correlations. First of all you have the ants. Working SUPER hard to create colonies and working in groups to do it. They can carry an amazingly huge amount of weight, and they just keep on going. Until the job is done. And then they go on to the next thing. Of course I'm thinking about exercise and how my job is not going to be done for a lot of pounds, but it's not impossible. If those tiny little buggars can do it - I can.
Then we come to roots. I don't know if you've ever looked closely at the roots of crab grass or clover before but I have had multiple occasions over the last 2 weeks to see them. At first glance they look like ramen. Not even joking. I'd pull up the old weed barrier and there would be this mass of curly white things in a bunch. And they were DEEP in the ground. Feet from where the stalk was defacing my otherwise beautiful landscape. It took a lot of work to get them out. The deeper the root, the harder it was to pull out. And of course I related this to my eating habits. I have had YEARS to create my bad habits. Years of "oh just go to Taco Bell" or "I'll drive" instead of walking... And the deeper that root is the harder it is to dislodge it. But if you keep at it and just do something consistently you CAN get rid of the roots.
So that's my mission right now: getting rid of the old roots and purposefully planting new ones. And being as consistent as I know how. (And I'm German and Irish - I can do stubborn until it's consistent...)
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
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