not doing ok with this. Took Monday off. Left today at 1pm and took tomorrow off. Grief is a helluva thing. It knocks you off your axis and makes you all dizzy till you think you're gonna puke. Actually on Sunday night I did puke. Just so sad.
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
should clarify: by "this is the depression I wished I'd had" I mean this is the not-eating, not sleeping depression. As opposed to the eating/sleeping that I had for years. No need to worry unless we're a month out from now and I'm still at it...then we can talk interventions.
ReplyDeleteI can't grieve without a little Verdi. Just sayin'. I'm here for you sister, even if that means a trip to Darcelle's *shudder*
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you have to go through this, Nicole!! :( I wish I could take it away for you. Definitely not a fun thing. I am thankful you had such a good friend who was there for you for so many things in your life. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be feeling these things. I guess that's a good thing?! I don't know. Death sucks. Grieving sucks.
ReplyDeleteThank you MtSnoBB - I'm glad you cannot take it away. It is the pain of fixing. Of going through it. But I so appreciate the sweetness of your intent. You know as well as I do the loss, especially at this time of year, of a young friend. Life is full of love. And loss. And I for one am so glad to have the opportunity to feel it all. Even the sucky stuff.
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