Day 4 - Honesty

So, a note about honesty.  I started this blog under a pseudonym.  That's my norm for most online stuff.  But I got to thinking about the importance that honesty plays and will play in my getting to fitness goals.  And I realized that the first thing would be to start by being honest with my name.  So I changed it from the pseudonym. 

Honesty is one of the biggest things that has and will hold me back in my goal of losing weight.  It is very easy to lie to yourself and say "why yes, I will get up in the morning and do some yoga."  It is a whole different thing to actually DO that.  And no, I haven't yet.  I love sleep.  I love being lazy.  I love to sit on my couch and read, or watch tv or surf the 'net.  And I love food.  The cheesy goodness of a lasagna and breadsticks.  I'm not as big of a sugar fan but man oh man can I eat cheese.  What I do not love is not being in shape enough to walk up the hill behind my house. 

In high school I played basketball and football and swam and even jogged occasionally.  I was physically active on a daily basis.  And then I went to college.  And I sat.  And sat.  And walked in between class.  But I still sat some more.  I was also depressed and my way to comfort myself was to......eat! 

I don't see myself going out to the gym anytime soon, but what I do know is that I have lost quite a bit of weight in the past by walking and by watching what I eat.  This is where weight watchers, and this blog come in.  I know that Weight Watchers works.  I've seen the pictures and as I said, Mel is living proof that I sat and talked to last weekend.  This blog is my tracking for myself and I have quickly come to the belief that I must be honest with myself first and foremost if I am going to reach my goals.

I mean, it's not exactly a secret that I am overweight.  I can hide my body under layered clothes or loose clothes (and can I just say that whoever makes clothes for fat women really should try to make them more attractive??  NO, some of us do NOT need to wear sleeveless dresses.)  but I am still fat.  I am in a shape, but it's a round or lumpy shape.  And that is not the shape I'd like to be in.  Now, I am not expecting to end up a size 2.  I don't think in my life I've been a size 2.  But I want the energy and I want the looks that come from NOT being overweight.

It is about self esteem, of course.  How you look very often determines how you are treated.  Now, it does not always determine how others feel about you.  But (being honest) people treat you differently if you look like you're about to pass out while trying to walk up some stairs.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not on this quest or whatever you want to call it for anyone else but it sure will be nice to know that when people see me they are seeing a smaller me than I am now.  That's what I want.  Being fat doesn't make you a bad person.  It doesn't make you less loveable or less intelligent.  But it makes you more likely to suffer from diseases like heart failure, stroke and diabetes and I really would like to be around to see my nephews grow up.

I am very good at starting things.  Getting a great idea.  Starting it and then losing interest after a short period of time.  I realize this makes me just like pretty much everyone else on the planet, but this is another thing that makes it less likely that I will follow through on the exercise that I know that I must do in order to get my muscles to show up from under the fat.  I was talking to my best friend the other day about weight loss and he said that for him to get in shape he "throws a switch" in his head.  And I think that's probably what this will take for me.  If I can get this into a habit and make it an everyday thing, where it's been 6 months and then a year since I've started and I don't even notice it I will be a big step in the right direction.

So, here's today's list of foods and look out for the surprise "snack" midday....still trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

I started today in a very bad mood.  I have a pet that has let's call them bowel issues and I had to run around cleaning up after her this morning, making me late to work and cranky on what is always the hardest/busiest day at work.  I notice that when I am stressed or mad it is very easy for me to say "I'll just go through the drive thru".  And sure enough I did....

10:15am - Crystal Lite - 10 calories.  I really wanted a mcmuffin this morning but I was late so at least I saved myself from that bad choice.  I know I should eat a real breakfast, but today I am busy and irritated.

11:30am - total melt down of co-worker on the otherside of the cubicle.  Her family issues are so very familiar to mine that I really would love to eat at least 1 donut (Krispy Kreme) right now.  Sugar  = comfort food today.

1:30pm - finally out of the intense part of the day and able to eat lunch.  STARVING.  Jack in the Box here I come.  I bought a southwest chicken salad, no chicken - ate it with the dressing and crunchies.  YIKES - 300 calories!  Wonder what the calories would be without the chicken, but still I had the dressing..... 
Also really wanted a breakfast sandwich, with egg and cheese so I got a kid's meal grilled cheese.  Still 328 calories but it had cheese in it so I was happy.  Ordered a diet dr pepper but am positive they gave me regular.  Couple of sips while driving back to the office.   Ate while listening to NPR in my car and NOT being in the office.

1:51pm - wonder how many WW points that bug was that I just almost ate.  EEEEEEEEEEEEW.  Walking into the office and it just kamikaze'd into my mouth.  I could not spit or gag fast enough.  Drank 1/2 of the Dr Pepper.  And it was worth it.  Horrendous taste in my mouth.  Funny but disgusting.

2:30 - peppermint candy, still trying to kill that damn bug taste.
3:30 - 1 more - man, that bug is LINGERING.
4:30 - yeah, I really really hate bugs.  I would not last in the wild.

6:30 - went grocery shopping (and for the pet) and picked out lots of good low fat veggie protein and sandwich stuff and my favorite drink - Sobe Lifewater.  Lots of flavors and ZERO calories.  Zero points.

So, the weekend begins and I weigh myself again on Sunday.  Haven't bought a new scale yet.  Thinking of going to work and stepping on the scale there, it is very reliable.

One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N