Week 11 - Fear and Spicy Food

So, I started this post at work today.  Have been composing it in my head for a couple of days but did not have time to sit and type until *ahem* work.  (shhh)

Last week was a big hiccup in my quest for healthy weight and fitness.  I didn’t feel good.  Generally run down and tired.  Back hurt from the accident and this sinus infection that was keeping me from a good night’s sleep was making me crazy.  SO, when it came to Tuesday and a dear friend from high school called and wanted to meet me for dinner I jumped at the chance to go for my comfort food – INDIAN.  I grew up eating Indian food.  My dad was born in India (missionaries) and so we learned the fabulous richness of rice and curry as babies and there is a particularly great restaurant in my area.  (There are several Indian restaurants in this general area but only 2 I would say are really good.)

If you know Indian food you know that it is quite customary to have a buffet laid out.  You grab a plate, add some rice and then pick from curries, some sort of bread (popodum or poorie) and a yummy little tidbit called a pakora that is basically a small handful of vegetables, covered in a curry batter and deep fried.  Yeah.  So, while I had every opportunity to control my portions and have a decent meal for low points….I went through line twice.  By the time I was done I was FULL.  Full, full full.  That feeling where you think you should be turned sideways and rolled out the door like Violet in Willy Wonka?  Yeah.  So I went home and said “oops”, forgot to record my food and went to bed. 

2 things (besides my inability to put the fork DOWN) tripped me up last week:  1.  I did not record my food on the website.  I had been doing it every single night for 10 weeks.  But last week I had 3 nights where I didn’t come home until late, came home exhausted and didn’t record anything.  and 2.  I ate at restaurants.  I am not yet willing to put my food in a doggie bag and only eat a little bit.  I did not excuse myself from the full plate club. 

I slurped and snarfed and gobbled my way through Indian, Chinese and Thai.  AND (nope not done) I had a bar burger and drinks and more drinks and then I went to a wedding.  Oh and had more Thai food.

So, portion control.  I know I read somewhere that said a really good rule of thumb is to ask for lunch portions (instead of dinner portions) and/or to ask for a doggie/to-go bag at the time that the food arrives.  That way you get a smaller portion to begin with and if you take at least ½ of the food and put it in the to-go bag before you even eat you’re starting with a smaller portion.  Now, buffets don’t allow you to take food home with you.  This means that you’ll end up paying a set fee (generally higher) for a dinner and you won’t get much.  I think that what I’d have to do in the future is to order a dinner instead (which was an option) and put ½ away for later. 

Portion control is certainly not the only problem I had – I just wanted to eat.  I’ve taught myself that eating will make me feel better and especially when I’m tired and out of sorts and sore….I’m looking for comfort.  Spicy warm foods when I’m cold or sick make me feel better.  I have just not learned the second key lesson in this whole thing which is self-control.  Eating till you feel better is a BAD idea.  BAD.  Many of the nights last week when I’d go to bed I felt overly full.  That in and of itself is a good thing and should make me feel better about the fact that I have learned where my full switch is.  Add into that the fact that it takes 20 minutes for you to register the fact that you're full and yeah....I am glad I only went up 1.5 pounds.

So.  That covers the spicy food.  Now the fear.  I've been working on the changes to my future and asking myself exactly why it is I haven't pursued those changes - mainly getting back into counseling full-time.  It's what I'm good at and it's what I love.  And the last time I was doing that was a long time ago.  And it's been something that I've been afraid to try again.  I got comfortable where I am in my job.  I'm good at it.  I've made this job what it is.  But it's not what I trained to do.  And I need to just suck it up.  Get over the fear of "what if I can't do it" and go and do it.  I have been handed opportunities recently, mainly because of the friends that I have, and those opportunities keep putting this job path in my way.  As if to remind me "YES.  YOU CAN DO THIS."  So today I took my first step toward actually leaving and going to do my own stuff.

  

There are many steps in this process but as I was thinking about this and the stalled weight loss I realized that this is based on flawed thinking.  The belief that I'll eventually stumble.  The belief that I'll screw something up and not be able to get the job I want.  The belief that I won't actually succeed in this weight thing.  Oh yeah.  There it is.  I saw pictures of myself this weekend from a wedding and while I know I weigh less than I did....it was me feeling my pity party all over again.  And I know that a big, BIG part of this process is going to have to be ME being honest with ME and following through with the goals that I set.  I have a big goal down the road.  100 pounds.  But for right now I need to be laser-sight focused on 30 pounds. 

So, here's what I learned in the last week.... I have to HAVE to make time to sit down and track what I eat.  Every day.  No matter what.  I can eat out at a restaurant, but in order to do that I need to find out and plan ahead and count the points up.  And I have to portion control.  And I have to keep myself focused.  I did not exercise at all last week.  Sure I can blame it on my back pain.  But there's always going to be a reason.  And I have to want it more than I don't.  And I want this.  I will do both things I am afraid of failing at.  Because the only thing that can make me fail is if I give up. 

One day.  One pound.  One step at a time.