Loss

Ok, this will be a post that covers both positive and painful things.  I'm not even sure I'll be able to get through the painful part but I'll try.

On Tuesday, the day after Valentine's Day I had to put my cat to sleep.  I had her since she was 8 weeks old and when she died she was nearly 13.  It was one of the most singularly painful experiences I've ever had.  6 years ago I had to put my other cat, then 13, to sleep and I didn't know what to expect.  It was awful.  This time I knew and it was worse.  I know it was the right thing to do but even now my eyes fill with tears and my stomach clenches at the thought.  And there is a part of that day I wish never to revisit.  Ever.  I came home afterwards and I grieved, from the bottom of my soul and the tips of my toes I keened (look it up) for her.  And the taste in my mouth changed for some weird reason (I have a couple of theories but no clue, it was really odd and disgusting) and I couldn't eat.  I needed to.  I was dehydrated and hadn't eaten much all day but I couldn't even eat more than a bite of toast.  The only thing I did manage to eat was a cinnamon jolly rancher. (odd, I know)  And then later I started to send it all back up.  Yup.  My body flat out purged itself from the pain and everything in it.  I say now that true love holds you when you cry and holds the bucket when you puke.  I'll never do that again.  And I'll miss her forever.

And on Sunday before all this started my cousins were visiting and told us about a diet they've been on called "Eat to Live" (which in a hysterically funny nod to Dr Freud I accidentally called the "Live to Eat" diet on accident) which basically fits right into weightwatchers.  I had gained back 10 pounds, actually more like 11  since December and I was very disgusted.  So with the new change (see paradigm shift post) we decided to try this diet.  It's a plant based mainly vegetarian diet.  And I've been on it since Monday (bought the book Sunday and shopped that night) and it hasn't been hard.....and I'm back to where I was - down 30.5 pounds.  Lost all the stuff I'd gained. 

Basically it's a "eat stuff that's good for you" diet.  Novel concept.  I know.  So like today I had a banana, some of the medifast oatmeal (the only medifast stuff I can handle anymore) an apple, an orange, some baby carrots, some almonds, some dates (yes, they look like bugs but they are SO YUMMY) a can of black beans with a sweet red pepper.  And tonight we had cabbage and cucumber salad with lemon juice (which a week ago you'd have had to hold me down to even try much less gobble up) and stir fry with mushrooms, red pepper, ginger, tofu marinated in balsamic, onions and avocado.  I haven't had caffeine since either Saturday or Sunday (not sure which) and if I had the headache it was lost in the grief of Tuesday night.  I've been drinking caffeine free lemon-ginger tea and lots of water. 

And I haven't tried it again since Reilly (my cat) but I did get out the yoga tape last week.  I'm also planning to go with one of my best friends to the gym.  That'll probably start in March (see: budget and trying to pay down big bills so we can go explore the world) but it's going to happen. 

I woke up the morning that I turned 40 with a thought in my head that said "this year you will say 'yes' to new experiences".  And I've been going through some incredible changes in the short time since that day.  And I'm back to where I was in the weight-loss journey (in a good way).  Some loss is good.  Some hurts like hell.  Either way I'm going to keep saying yes and taking it

One day.  One pound.  One step at a time.
~N