Dirt and Tears

Last night was Biggest Loser night.  A friend of mine from childhood is personal friends with one of the women, Olivia, who is going to the finals with her sister Hannah.  Lisa, my friend, warned that the episode would make me cry.  What I did not expect was that it would floor me.  I didn't cry.  I SOBBED.  Watching the stories of the final 4 was devastating and inspiring.  I am now where Olivia and Hannah began.  I am (thank goodness) nowhere near the only guy left was when he started but I know where the ladies started.  I'm there.  And I don't have Bob and Jillian and a gym and television cameras etc etc.  But I have me.  And my unbelievably supportive husband.  And my goal.  And a knowledge that I can do this.

I sat there and listened to their stories and I related so much to the struggle.  The pain.  Hannah was especially heart-wrenching.  She stood in front of the camera and talked about wanting to have a family "but I'm not sure I can, I mean *gestures to self* who could love this?"   Oh my goodness.  I absolutely sobbed.  Prompting hubby to come and hold me (which incidentally for any males that may read this blog is exACTLY what you are supposed to do in situations like this).  God, I know that feeling.  The last conversation I had with my mom's mom before she died ended with her telling me that I should lose weight so I could find a man.  Swear.  And I know that even my father who is so happy for me is just happy that I found someone that could love a big girl.  I know it.  "You're such a pretty girl.  If you could just lose weight."  It's not a unique phrase, I'm certain.  And if you start to believe that you lose a part of yourself.  I don't believe that....anymore.  But I did for a long time.  It took me a long time to change those tapes in my head.  From "I'm never going to be able to do this"  to "I can do anything if I put my mind and energy to it."  

What these people have done on this show (with some clever editing focused on wrenching the emotion out of scenes) is worked literally their asses off.  And the successful ones are the ones that have fought through these old tapes and said "I believe in me and I know I can do this."  At the end of last night's episode Hannah said "I know I can do anything."

So today I got up and walked during the day.   No speed walking but it was moving.  And I will do it again tomorrow.  And then I got home and put my grubbies on and worked hard in the yard for at least 30 minutes (I don't know how long it was exactly) pulling weeds, turning the soil.  It felt good.  And I can feel that my muscles in my butt and thighs are still there.  Yay!  I will do it again tomorrow.  And each day add more.  That's the thing, these people worked HARD.  Past the edge of where they thought they could.  I can't imagine running a marathon.  I can't imagine running a MILE at this point.  But I can tell you this - I WILL (run the mile...no promises or goals on the marathon).

One day.  One step.  One pound at a time.

~N