So, I'm still here. Just UBER busy. On the 19th I had the amazing privilege of attending the birth of my niece. I was there when her 2 big brothers were born and all 3 times I have more and more respect for their momma. WOW. Anyway, so we welcomed the new, precious little baby and then I got sick. REALLY sick. Like missing work sick. And that meant no gym. I think it's been 2 weeks now since I went to the gym. Coughing and wheezing on everyone else and giving them my germs would not be cool.
But I also have been doing work in that class I mentioned. Hmm. How to describe it....? Well some people call it Boot Camp. It's meant to be taken as seriously as you want, and I figure if I'm paying money to buy the book and do the work with the 5 other people in the class I'll take it seriously. It's pushed my buttons for sure already. Making me really look into things and question - do you REALLY believe that? Yeah, and why?
One of my favorite things about the class, besides the fact that I'm not on my own and the other women there all have something I can relate to in their struggle with weight loss, is that we do what I guess you can call art therapy. It's also called Soul Collage. Basically you have some images to pick from, you put them together on a card, glue them on and then look into your heart of hearts and see what you come up with. There is more to it but that's the beginning of it and I really find that I'm able to express some stuff with that where I may not normally go in my head.
I hit a realization this last week that seemed so completely basic and obvious that I literally started out my writing about it with "how did I not see this before?". I was reading about and asking myself about self-sabotage. It's based on the question posed in the book that ask you to see what it is about being unhealthy and over-weight that you see (unconsciously) as good for you. A question that I bristled against and argued with for a week or so until this last week when I put it into words - I had created a person in my body, this big and out of the shape I want to be body, that would be un-loveable and thus not subject to rejection because I was not even allowing myself to be loved, much less rejected. And the thing is, I know I was loved. And I got married in the middle of this whole thing. To a man who loves me. He loved me when I didn't love me. And that was a realization that was a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I knew he loved me. What I didn't realize or allow myself to see was that I had created my most un-loveable self. To avoid rejection.
That was a big deal to realize. I don't know about y'all but I am not a fan of rejection. Be it in the form of the loss of a job Or a parent leaving. Or the one you love not loving you back. Not a fan. And to realize and recognize in myself the unconscious creation of someone I would not love so that I would not be rejected?? HUGE. And now to really love myself. In all stages of this. Letting love take over helps let go of the anger and hurt that's been there for a long time.
So, we had a big meeting here at home tonight (big future plans and decisions being made) and I didn't go to the gym. I put my gym clothes on tho. :) And tomorrow I will go after work. I have committed to not stepping on the scale for the 9 weeks in this class. So that I'm focused not so much on the numbers but more on the inner stuff. I've discovered that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm still doing my Medifast during the day and eating veggie stuff at night. But instead of looking at that number on the scale to praise myself or punish myself, I'm trying to focus on the loving myself aspect of this. Because that is a big deal.
The book is not for everyone and I don't recommend it if you're not ready to really look at yourself and the reasons you eat or have weight issues. And if you are not necessarily into spirituality it may grate a bit, but I am personally finding that this book: A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson
http://www.amazon.com/Course-Weight-Loss-Spiritual-Surrendering/dp/1401921531/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341289327&sr=8-1&keywords=a+course+in+weight+loss+by+marianne+williamson
to be helpful in my journey, and can see how it will affect other areas of my life. in good and powerful ways.
One step. One day. One pound at a time.
~N
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