I'm not sure when it started but I began to notice it about 2 months ago. I was sitting more and more at my job. Mainly because at this point there are no people at my work that I am friends with. At least ones that I would interact with on the job. I still have a good friend that is employed there but she's on a medical leave (waves to you know who you are) and is not sure that she'll have a job to come back to. And I am friends with a guy that does IT in my dept but he and I don't interact at work - as a rule it's always away from work.
So starting in about September I began to have less and less friends/support at the place where I spend long hours of my day. And while there were other changes that were good (boss and her boss are GONE) the people that came in place of those who I had relied on were so, ARE so completely lacking in depth that I just sit and work and go home.
This has lead to a very bad habit. Namely, doing my level best to get all the work done so I can get the hell out of there. And that means that I sit. And don't move. All day long. Not only is this very bad for me physically (I have had days where I get up at the end of the day and realize I haven't gone pee all day) but emotionally it's been isolating. And THAT is a step towards depression. I am well aware of it. And I didn't have a clear understanding of where I was in the process until about a month ago.
I found myself sleeping more, eating more comfort foods (see: sugar, cheese bread) and more irritable, short with people that matter, short with people in general and crying. A lot. The holidays are already a sore subject in my house. I love them. They take me back to a simpler time (i.e. a time when I was less aware) and I get lost in the lights, sounds, smells etc. My husband, on the other hand HATES them. Thinks that they are contrived and superficial. Hates them. We actually had a fight on Christmas morning that threatened to ruin the entire day for me and left me in waves of tears. (We decided to hit a "re-set" button tho and the day ended up being exactly what I wanted.)
On New Year's Eve a friend, probably our closest friend, came for an unexpected visit and he and hubby started watching a show called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead". I came in in the middle of it and immediately got irritated/defensive and watched it begrudgingly. It's a show about 2 men, more really but focuses on 2. Who used a combination of juicing and exercise to lose a TON of weight. The guy that really got to me was about my age and was a trucker. Sitting all day long. And MUCH bigger than I am. He started out at over 400 pounds and by the end of the documentary was in shape and in the 170s. Why was I defensive? Because I didn't want to watch something that would help motivate me to work on the very thing that gets to me most. I wanted to watch something that took me far away from the idea of being fat and feeling like crap.
But we watched it and the next day we started a re-set button of a different kind. We already have a juicer (it was hubby's from long ago) and we went to the grocery store and bought a TON of fruits and vegetables and started trying to make new habits (again). I cheated the first few days. We talked about how to make this a long-lasting change. Because we did this a year ago - on the "Eat to Live" diet - which is mainly the same thing, fruits and vegetables, no salt (or as low as possible) no sugar, no cheese (*whimper*) and really no carbs like pasta etc. And we lost some weight but then we started getting company and excuses piled up for eating stuff we knew would not be good. And it all came back.
So, I'm making what I hope to be a new habit, something I can use long-term. I can so readily relate to the poor truck driver. I know that I am happier when I'm healthier. And I know that part of my depression - a MAJOR part - is that I feel like crap. My back has been out and my hip hurts (HIP HURTS - seriously? What am I? 60?) and constant pain does not work for me. I started this week adding little bits of yoga. Has to be little bits because at first I was so completely stiff and in pain that every move I made put me into spasm.
So it's back to small steps. I did juicing for breakfast most of the days this week - apple, orange, ginger, carrot (I learned the hard way that you should NOT put a banana in a juicer.....it spits all the yummy stuff out the other end of the juicer....) and for lunch I brought stuff to make salad (lettuce, tomatos, onion) and I used those handy spritzer bottles for vinaigrette dressing (more coverage, less dressing). At night we had either stir fry (usually a bunch of veggies, and tofu made without oil and with lots of Sri Ra Cha) or soup - veggies, tofu and lots of water. Usually there was enough so that I could take left overs with me to work with the salad. And I drank a lot of water. No soda (I'd been drinking diet Dr P for a while) and only a couple of cups of coffee. And while I still don't interact with people at work like I used to (likely never will) I am making myself get up once an hour (or so) and walk around the building, even if it's inside. And I did some Wii Yoga (VERY basic).
So it's been a week and my back and hip don't hurt as much. I'm refusing to step on the scales till tomorrow, to see if I've made a change yet. The thing is, I know that this is all in my own hands. And it is do-able. I'm tired of feeling like crap. And I'm doing something about it. No time like the present.
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
You go girl! You can DO IT!!
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