I did it. I quit my old job, a place that was dysfunctional and toxic and full of people that I will miss because I saw them and worked closely with them for 11 years (that's almost an entire elementary and high school term). And as soon as I gave notice I felt a weight fall off me. I'm working at a place where I can work on my clinical license and that means that someday I can have my own clinic. And that is something I've wanted to do for a long time.
I've been trying to do better with the gym, went last week 3 times for 30 min and tonight did 35 min, the legs hurt but I'll keep going.
Another thing I've noticed is that I sleep better, and I'm getting up EARLY. Seriously, this morning it was 4am....but I went back to sleep till 6:30. Still, I'm up and ready for work and AT work by 8am. That's a significant change.
It's all about making decisions, following through and sticking with them. If I can walk away from benefits earned after 11 years but at a job I really didn't like after all and go work with people that are REALLY happy to have me, I can keep up the changes in my diet and exercise.
It's a change in me that is coming from the inside out. It's affecting my hubby and it's a very good thing. I'm still right at 27 pounds down but as soon as I make the Medifast a daily habit (and skip Subway or Starbucks) I'll keep going down the numbers.
And if I can do it? ANYONE can.
One day. One (big) step. One pound at a time.
~N
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Few, The Proud
Today marks the end of 9 weeks of working with 5 other women through the Marianne Williamson Weight Loss book that we've come to call "Boot Camp". Thinking about the things I've learned over the last 9 weeks with these amazing women it's easy to see that we started out our classes with a veneer of "oh yeah I'm here to lose weight but that's about it, nothing else I need to work on" and by week 3 as they say "shit got real". It is impossible to do work on yourself, lasting work, work on things that will change you from the inside out, without it being hard. Without going to places that you'd really rather not go thank you very much.
But in this class we did. And I'm honestly not done with the book, I've read 10 out of 21 chapters (not consecutive chapters) and I know that there is more work to do. But I also know that I have been changed in a meaningful way by my experience in this class and by working with these other women. It takes not a small amount of courage and strength to strip away one's defensive side and go deep to look at how you think about yourself, how you've trained yourself to act/eat/believe, and to challenge things that you may have not known were deeply ingrained in you.
So, I started this class with the idea that I wanted to be able to change my relationship with food. So that I can be successful in my goal towards being healthy. What I'm ending this class with is a lot more than that. I am indeed more mindful now of what I eat, I have done quite a bit of work on letting emotions like anger and sadness go and not run my eating schedule. I have done a lot to look at how I have been comfortable in my eating habits that led to me being unhealthy, and why I felt I needed that comfort. In the end, it's still going to be me remembering to treat myself kindly and not go into reaction mode when I get stressed or angry (I discovered there's an inner teen inside me that likes to take over and eat "whatever the F I want" when I feel angry or stressed.) and that in changing how I think I am changing how I deal with food. I'm looking at it as fuel, appreciating it, but not relying on it as a drug to keep me happy or calm me down.
And I've started cooking my own healthy meals - a huge first for me because I've always said I'm not a cook. And I'm still not going to run out and try to cook for huge groups of people but I don't cringe anymore when I think about cooking meals for myself. And I don't make ramen or go for fast food - which was my stand-by. I still get coffee and I still go out to eat, but the things I choose to eat are things that I'm not going to regret later.
It's been a good 9 weeks. Some serious stuff came up that I didn't expect, and I feel a great burden gone where a lot of anger/hurt was. Now, to take what I've learned/discovered, and continue on my path of keeping active (I do still enjoy the gym but haven't been going as regularly as I'd like) and eating good foods (Medifast and lots of fresh veggies seems to be my key).
So tonight I'll say farewell and congratulations to my new friends from the class, knowing that we are all working on our stuff and that we have new tools and newly discovered strength to keep going and make good choices that honor the women that we are. That's a big deal, not buying into the idea that I'm a bad person because I look a certain way, or because I make mistakes. Nope, just a person. On a path. And I will keep going.
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
But in this class we did. And I'm honestly not done with the book, I've read 10 out of 21 chapters (not consecutive chapters) and I know that there is more work to do. But I also know that I have been changed in a meaningful way by my experience in this class and by working with these other women. It takes not a small amount of courage and strength to strip away one's defensive side and go deep to look at how you think about yourself, how you've trained yourself to act/eat/believe, and to challenge things that you may have not known were deeply ingrained in you.
So, I started this class with the idea that I wanted to be able to change my relationship with food. So that I can be successful in my goal towards being healthy. What I'm ending this class with is a lot more than that. I am indeed more mindful now of what I eat, I have done quite a bit of work on letting emotions like anger and sadness go and not run my eating schedule. I have done a lot to look at how I have been comfortable in my eating habits that led to me being unhealthy, and why I felt I needed that comfort. In the end, it's still going to be me remembering to treat myself kindly and not go into reaction mode when I get stressed or angry (I discovered there's an inner teen inside me that likes to take over and eat "whatever the F I want" when I feel angry or stressed.) and that in changing how I think I am changing how I deal with food. I'm looking at it as fuel, appreciating it, but not relying on it as a drug to keep me happy or calm me down.
And I've started cooking my own healthy meals - a huge first for me because I've always said I'm not a cook. And I'm still not going to run out and try to cook for huge groups of people but I don't cringe anymore when I think about cooking meals for myself. And I don't make ramen or go for fast food - which was my stand-by. I still get coffee and I still go out to eat, but the things I choose to eat are things that I'm not going to regret later.
It's been a good 9 weeks. Some serious stuff came up that I didn't expect, and I feel a great burden gone where a lot of anger/hurt was. Now, to take what I've learned/discovered, and continue on my path of keeping active (I do still enjoy the gym but haven't been going as regularly as I'd like) and eating good foods (Medifast and lots of fresh veggies seems to be my key).
So tonight I'll say farewell and congratulations to my new friends from the class, knowing that we are all working on our stuff and that we have new tools and newly discovered strength to keep going and make good choices that honor the women that we are. That's a big deal, not buying into the idea that I'm a bad person because I look a certain way, or because I make mistakes. Nope, just a person. On a path. And I will keep going.
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Monday, July 16, 2012
On Becoming
So, we're up to 45 min sessions at the gym now. And by "we" I mean me. Goal is 3 times a week and I'm back into a rhythm so I will be able to make that happen quite easily. Funny how when you make something a priority it happens.
Today I tried an old favorite and found that it doesn't "do it" for me anymore. I got a hankering for Thai food. Probably because a friend at work mentioned it and I thought "ooh, I could have salad rolls" and then when I got the menu from him I saw "hot basil fried rice" and knew it wasn't going to just be salad rolls. The thing is, I can't really eat rice anymore. I mean I CAN but did you ever see Willy Wonka? Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? When Violet eats the blueberry candy and blows up into a gigantic blue bubble? Yeah, that's what rice does to me. I'm quite convinced that it's a combination of gluten and dairy that does me in. Today there was no dairy but there was rice. And yeah. Can't do it. If I had stuck to my original idea - salad rolls with tofu - I would have been just fine and would have stayed in my lean and green meal for Medifast too.
So I came home, changed and went and worked it out on the treadmill. This time the "wall" that I usually hit at minute 25 moved to 30. :) Of course it also showed up at minute 12, but I kept going.
I am becoming a different person in many ways. The class that I'm taking is helping encourage me to let go of negative thought processes. We had a very powerful meeting this last week. The exercise was to write about the emotional "bricks" or blocks to success. The emotions that keep us from being successful. The things we relate to when it comes to not being healthy. And my biggest brick was anger. I think it will probably take me a while to completely get rid of it, because I hadn't acknowledged that it was there and it was MUCH bigger than I had anticipated. But I let go of some things on Sunday that I had been holding onto for a long time. And when you let yourself let go of things like that you open the door to letting go of the physical weight too.
It's not an easy process. It is work. But a great friend recently reminded me that nothing that's worth it is ever easy. So, I'm going to keep going. And it feels like I have a momentum building. Like I am building the momentum. ME. That's a change.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Today I tried an old favorite and found that it doesn't "do it" for me anymore. I got a hankering for Thai food. Probably because a friend at work mentioned it and I thought "ooh, I could have salad rolls" and then when I got the menu from him I saw "hot basil fried rice" and knew it wasn't going to just be salad rolls. The thing is, I can't really eat rice anymore. I mean I CAN but did you ever see Willy Wonka? Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? When Violet eats the blueberry candy and blows up into a gigantic blue bubble? Yeah, that's what rice does to me. I'm quite convinced that it's a combination of gluten and dairy that does me in. Today there was no dairy but there was rice. And yeah. Can't do it. If I had stuck to my original idea - salad rolls with tofu - I would have been just fine and would have stayed in my lean and green meal for Medifast too.
So I came home, changed and went and worked it out on the treadmill. This time the "wall" that I usually hit at minute 25 moved to 30. :) Of course it also showed up at minute 12, but I kept going.
I am becoming a different person in many ways. The class that I'm taking is helping encourage me to let go of negative thought processes. We had a very powerful meeting this last week. The exercise was to write about the emotional "bricks" or blocks to success. The emotions that keep us from being successful. The things we relate to when it comes to not being healthy. And my biggest brick was anger. I think it will probably take me a while to completely get rid of it, because I hadn't acknowledged that it was there and it was MUCH bigger than I had anticipated. But I let go of some things on Sunday that I had been holding onto for a long time. And when you let yourself let go of things like that you open the door to letting go of the physical weight too.
It's not an easy process. It is work. But a great friend recently reminded me that nothing that's worth it is ever easy. So, I'm going to keep going. And it feels like I have a momentum building. Like I am building the momentum. ME. That's a change.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Thursday, July 5, 2012
That Funny Feeling
So, when did I start going to the gym? Cinco de Mayo. And I haven't gone as consistently since a week or 2 ago. But today I actually caught myself ENJOYING the time on the treadmill. I think it was at minute 15 (about 10 min before I hit the wall that waits at 25 when I want to lie down). And I'll have to see what music it was on the playlist but I looked down at the time and said "oh hey wow that went fast". And I was alone with my thoughts with just my feet pounding to the beat and nonsense on the bank of tvs in front of me.
So that was 2 months ago, when I joined up, and that meme that I found said it would probably take 12 weeks to see a difference. :) 4 more weeks to go. And I'm still not looking at the scales. At least until I'm done with my class.
Yup, this is working.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
So that was 2 months ago, when I joined up, and that meme that I found said it would probably take 12 weeks to see a difference. :) 4 more weeks to go. And I'm still not looking at the scales. At least until I'm done with my class.
Yup, this is working.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Independence Day
Went back to the gym yesterday. Everything was going well until minute 25 on the treadmill at 3.5mph. And then I wanted to stop. But I kept going for another 10 minutes. Yay me!
Today is kinda weird because it's a holiday but we work tomorrow and the holiday will include a lot of noise that will keep me awake tonight. So I slept in this morning and finally feel like I'm getting rid of this chest cold.
This year we had hot dogs (or tofu dogs for me) and some bbq veggies for our big dinner. It's been interesting keeping myself mindful of what I'm eating, taking responsibility for that spoonful of baked beans and spoonful of cole slaw. And remembering that just because I can drink it doesn't mean it's not high calorie. Today I didn't go to the gym but I played my work-out music (much to the horror of hubby who is NOT a fan of my music) and danced around the living room. That got the heart racing. And it was fun. :0
Been thinking about the reason behind today's celebrations - Independence Day. And what that can mean for me. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from old tapes in my head that say I'm a failure and other nasty things. Freedom from the belief that I won't actually make the changes I need to. And freedom/independence from the state of ill-health I've been calling life for a while now.
Happy Independence Day dear readers. May you find freedom from all that holds you back.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Today is kinda weird because it's a holiday but we work tomorrow and the holiday will include a lot of noise that will keep me awake tonight. So I slept in this morning and finally feel like I'm getting rid of this chest cold.
This year we had hot dogs (or tofu dogs for me) and some bbq veggies for our big dinner. It's been interesting keeping myself mindful of what I'm eating, taking responsibility for that spoonful of baked beans and spoonful of cole slaw. And remembering that just because I can drink it doesn't mean it's not high calorie. Today I didn't go to the gym but I played my work-out music (much to the horror of hubby who is NOT a fan of my music) and danced around the living room. That got the heart racing. And it was fun. :0
Been thinking about the reason behind today's celebrations - Independence Day. And what that can mean for me. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from old tapes in my head that say I'm a failure and other nasty things. Freedom from the belief that I won't actually make the changes I need to. And freedom/independence from the state of ill-health I've been calling life for a while now.
Happy Independence Day dear readers. May you find freedom from all that holds you back.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Monday, July 2, 2012
Busy Weeks, Deep Work
So, I'm still here. Just UBER busy. On the 19th I had the amazing privilege of attending the birth of my niece. I was there when her 2 big brothers were born and all 3 times I have more and more respect for their momma. WOW. Anyway, so we welcomed the new, precious little baby and then I got sick. REALLY sick. Like missing work sick. And that meant no gym. I think it's been 2 weeks now since I went to the gym. Coughing and wheezing on everyone else and giving them my germs would not be cool.
But I also have been doing work in that class I mentioned. Hmm. How to describe it....? Well some people call it Boot Camp. It's meant to be taken as seriously as you want, and I figure if I'm paying money to buy the book and do the work with the 5 other people in the class I'll take it seriously. It's pushed my buttons for sure already. Making me really look into things and question - do you REALLY believe that? Yeah, and why?
One of my favorite things about the class, besides the fact that I'm not on my own and the other women there all have something I can relate to in their struggle with weight loss, is that we do what I guess you can call art therapy. It's also called Soul Collage. Basically you have some images to pick from, you put them together on a card, glue them on and then look into your heart of hearts and see what you come up with. There is more to it but that's the beginning of it and I really find that I'm able to express some stuff with that where I may not normally go in my head.
I hit a realization this last week that seemed so completely basic and obvious that I literally started out my writing about it with "how did I not see this before?". I was reading about and asking myself about self-sabotage. It's based on the question posed in the book that ask you to see what it is about being unhealthy and over-weight that you see (unconsciously) as good for you. A question that I bristled against and argued with for a week or so until this last week when I put it into words - I had created a person in my body, this big and out of the shape I want to be body, that would be un-loveable and thus not subject to rejection because I was not even allowing myself to be loved, much less rejected. And the thing is, I know I was loved. And I got married in the middle of this whole thing. To a man who loves me. He loved me when I didn't love me. And that was a realization that was a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I knew he loved me. What I didn't realize or allow myself to see was that I had created my most un-loveable self. To avoid rejection.
That was a big deal to realize. I don't know about y'all but I am not a fan of rejection. Be it in the form of the loss of a job Or a parent leaving. Or the one you love not loving you back. Not a fan. And to realize and recognize in myself the unconscious creation of someone I would not love so that I would not be rejected?? HUGE. And now to really love myself. In all stages of this. Letting love take over helps let go of the anger and hurt that's been there for a long time.
So, we had a big meeting here at home tonight (big future plans and decisions being made) and I didn't go to the gym. I put my gym clothes on tho. :) And tomorrow I will go after work. I have committed to not stepping on the scale for the 9 weeks in this class. So that I'm focused not so much on the numbers but more on the inner stuff. I've discovered that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm still doing my Medifast during the day and eating veggie stuff at night. But instead of looking at that number on the scale to praise myself or punish myself, I'm trying to focus on the loving myself aspect of this. Because that is a big deal.
The book is not for everyone and I don't recommend it if you're not ready to really look at yourself and the reasons you eat or have weight issues. And if you are not necessarily into spirituality it may grate a bit, but I am personally finding that this book: A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson
http://www.amazon.com/Course-Weight-Loss-Spiritual-Surrendering/dp/1401921531/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341289327&sr=8-1&keywords=a+course+in+weight+loss+by+marianne+williamson
to be helpful in my journey, and can see how it will affect other areas of my life. in good and powerful ways.
One step. One day. One pound at a time.
~N
But I also have been doing work in that class I mentioned. Hmm. How to describe it....? Well some people call it Boot Camp. It's meant to be taken as seriously as you want, and I figure if I'm paying money to buy the book and do the work with the 5 other people in the class I'll take it seriously. It's pushed my buttons for sure already. Making me really look into things and question - do you REALLY believe that? Yeah, and why?
One of my favorite things about the class, besides the fact that I'm not on my own and the other women there all have something I can relate to in their struggle with weight loss, is that we do what I guess you can call art therapy. It's also called Soul Collage. Basically you have some images to pick from, you put them together on a card, glue them on and then look into your heart of hearts and see what you come up with. There is more to it but that's the beginning of it and I really find that I'm able to express some stuff with that where I may not normally go in my head.
I hit a realization this last week that seemed so completely basic and obvious that I literally started out my writing about it with "how did I not see this before?". I was reading about and asking myself about self-sabotage. It's based on the question posed in the book that ask you to see what it is about being unhealthy and over-weight that you see (unconsciously) as good for you. A question that I bristled against and argued with for a week or so until this last week when I put it into words - I had created a person in my body, this big and out of the shape I want to be body, that would be un-loveable and thus not subject to rejection because I was not even allowing myself to be loved, much less rejected. And the thing is, I know I was loved. And I got married in the middle of this whole thing. To a man who loves me. He loved me when I didn't love me. And that was a realization that was a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I knew he loved me. What I didn't realize or allow myself to see was that I had created my most un-loveable self. To avoid rejection.
That was a big deal to realize. I don't know about y'all but I am not a fan of rejection. Be it in the form of the loss of a job Or a parent leaving. Or the one you love not loving you back. Not a fan. And to realize and recognize in myself the unconscious creation of someone I would not love so that I would not be rejected?? HUGE. And now to really love myself. In all stages of this. Letting love take over helps let go of the anger and hurt that's been there for a long time.
So, we had a big meeting here at home tonight (big future plans and decisions being made) and I didn't go to the gym. I put my gym clothes on tho. :) And tomorrow I will go after work. I have committed to not stepping on the scale for the 9 weeks in this class. So that I'm focused not so much on the numbers but more on the inner stuff. I've discovered that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm still doing my Medifast during the day and eating veggie stuff at night. But instead of looking at that number on the scale to praise myself or punish myself, I'm trying to focus on the loving myself aspect of this. Because that is a big deal.
The book is not for everyone and I don't recommend it if you're not ready to really look at yourself and the reasons you eat or have weight issues. And if you are not necessarily into spirituality it may grate a bit, but I am personally finding that this book: A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson
http://www.amazon.com/Course-Weight-Loss-Spiritual-Surrendering/dp/1401921531/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341289327&sr=8-1&keywords=a+course+in+weight+loss+by+marianne+williamson
to be helpful in my journey, and can see how it will affect other areas of my life. in good and powerful ways.
One step. One day. One pound at a time.
~N
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Exercising the biggest muscle I've got
So, missed several days at the gym due to all kinds of stuff. Went back yesterday for the first time since oh, last Thursday? Yeah, that was rough. Only did 30 min plus a cool down and I really wanted to quit after 10. BUT, I did 30 min plus a 5 min cool down. And tonight I did 40 min plus a 5 min cool down. And I feel better. That's the thing, it makes me FEEL better.
And feelings are about to become a focus for about a month and a half when I start a small women's group that is working through a book by Marianne Williamson called "A Course in Weight Loss". I am doing this for several reasons: 1. because it came up as an opportunity and it's lead by a friend of mine (former colleague) 2. because it's all about getting into the emotional why's and healing that part of myself that goes back to old destructive patterns and 3. because now seems a good time to do that. Now, not when I feel like it. If I waited till I felt like it I can guarantee you I'd not go to the gym EVER and wouldn't take this class.
So, we'll see. It starts in a week and is every Sunday for a couple of hours in the evening and goes until mid-August. I anticipate that there will be times I like it about as much as I like the treadmill at minute 35 but....I am going to keep going. Because I believe this is another key component to my success in making this for real who I am. Not just a phase like stone-washed denim and jean jackets. (not that there's anything wrong with that)
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
And feelings are about to become a focus for about a month and a half when I start a small women's group that is working through a book by Marianne Williamson called "A Course in Weight Loss". I am doing this for several reasons: 1. because it came up as an opportunity and it's lead by a friend of mine (former colleague) 2. because it's all about getting into the emotional why's and healing that part of myself that goes back to old destructive patterns and 3. because now seems a good time to do that. Now, not when I feel like it. If I waited till I felt like it I can guarantee you I'd not go to the gym EVER and wouldn't take this class.
So, we'll see. It starts in a week and is every Sunday for a couple of hours in the evening and goes until mid-August. I anticipate that there will be times I like it about as much as I like the treadmill at minute 35 but....I am going to keep going. Because I believe this is another key component to my success in making this for real who I am. Not just a phase like stone-washed denim and jean jackets. (not that there's anything wrong with that)
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
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