*walks into the e-room hesitantly and looks around*
Oh, hello, you're still here. Yes, I am too. I have returned, dear readers. And oh my have I gone back to step 1. I just looked and the last time I posted was in August, and that wasn't a real post. Yeah, it's really been a helluva year. In many ways it has not been good. In one really really big way it has been fantastic, but the not-good has seemed to overwhelm.
So I'm back to where I started. I went to put on some pants today while doing laundry, pants that I know I could wear in June, and they won't fit. I wanted to lie on the bed and cry. Instead I just said "oh girl, what have you been doing to yourself?" The thing is I have not been caring for myself. I've been hibernating in a way. Stocking up on carbs etc. Because daily life has pretty much sucked since this summer.
Earlier really. It has been a year heavy with losses - my darling pet in February (I don't have kids, I had cats and my Reilly-girl isn't here now to attack the Christmas trees and it makes me cry), one of my very best friends in June - out of the blue. And then in September a group of women that I worked with and was friends with, spent the majority of my every-day life with for the last few years were all summarily dismissed from work. It doesn't matter that my worst-ever boss was let go (she can tell people she retired but she was pushed out) a little more than a month later. Or that her horrible excuse for a human being boss is "retiring" next month. What mattered to me was that a significant support system in my life, women I counted on (still do, we are setting up a monthly ladies' night get together) were suddenly gone. And I do not deal well with that amount of loss. Just typing about it makes me cry. Not just for the loss of companionship and support at work, but for the panic and fear that they are suddenly facing in a time where to be out of work is to be in a very big and seemingly aimless boat.
My reaction to these losses has been to pack it in. Anything comforting to eat or drink, I'm putting it in my mouth. And I am not moving. Not getting up out of my seat. I know I need to. My sister in law very nearly died a couple of weeks ago because she has blood clots in her leg and lung and one of the ways to get those is to sit. A lot. Another reason I'm not getting up enough is that I don't want to interact with the new people that have been installed at work. To call them imbeciles would be unkind. To imeciles. And so I get to work and I sit. And I type. And then I go home. I keep telling myself that I should get up and go for a walk. I did once. Walked for 10 minutes. My legs hurt when I was done. A ten minute walk made my legs hurt!! That pissed me off.
So I'm back again. I know that posting on here helps me to be honest and maybe writing it out will help me to get through the emotional excuses I've been using to not make healthy choices. I hope so. Because I know that I am headed in a dangerous direction and I want to stop.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
not forgotten
so, I haven't forgotten this blog. I haven't stopped being careful with what I eat. I haven't gotten into a regular exercise pattern tho....and I've been extremely caught up in work politic crap.
to be continued....
One day. One step. One pound at a time
~N
to be continued....
One day. One step. One pound at a time
~N
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
well...
hahahahahahaaaa. yeah, getting up in the mornings to do P90X is not happening. Not even once did it happen. We both looked at each other and said "I could make up an excuse but I don't want to do it." So last night I got out the old Wii system and yes, it still tells me "that's obese" and that I'm unbalanced but it turns out that I did learn some yoga stuff from the insane 90X guy and I did much better. And hey, it was exercise!!
Packing lunches is a known quantity for getting good food versus what I am more likely to buy if left to my own devices during my 30 min lunches so I was happy to have some of hubby's yummy tofu and veggies (peppers, onions, cilantro) for lunch today.
So, it's not the insanity of P90X but it is exercise. And THAT my friends is honesty and it's what counts.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Packing lunches is a known quantity for getting good food versus what I am more likely to buy if left to my own devices during my 30 min lunches so I was happy to have some of hubby's yummy tofu and veggies (peppers, onions, cilantro) for lunch today.
So, it's not the insanity of P90X but it is exercise. And THAT my friends is honesty and it's what counts.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thunderstruck
If you don't know AC/DC you won't recognize the title as one of (imho) the most kick-ass songs there is. That song is at the beginning of my playlist for my work outs. And today I am going to complete the playlist. And re-start the P90X program with hubby.
Coming back from vacation and KNOWING I ate more than usual (yummy goodness) it was really very cool to have 3 people tell me "you're losing more weight". And yet I know I gained 3 pounds. But that tells me that the changes in diet have really been ingrained because in the past it would have taken no time whatsoever to gain a good 10 pounds without thinking about it.
We've been talking about the long-term goals. And being healthy. And I feel better when we eat good food and I know that exercising makes me feel better (even tho before I do it I really do NOT want to). So today we will re-start the program. And the goal is to do it in the mornings. Oh boy I don't want to do it. But this is the way to look at it: by the time I get home from work I won't have to do the work out. I will be able to just CHILL.
We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Coming back from vacation and KNOWING I ate more than usual (yummy goodness) it was really very cool to have 3 people tell me "you're losing more weight". And yet I know I gained 3 pounds. But that tells me that the changes in diet have really been ingrained because in the past it would have taken no time whatsoever to gain a good 10 pounds without thinking about it.
We've been talking about the long-term goals. And being healthy. And I feel better when we eat good food and I know that exercising makes me feel better (even tho before I do it I really do NOT want to). So today we will re-start the program. And the goal is to do it in the mornings. Oh boy I don't want to do it. But this is the way to look at it: by the time I get home from work I won't have to do the work out. I will be able to just CHILL.
We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Monday, July 4, 2011
Independence Day
Hello there. It is a gorgeous day and I am happy today. I had a perfect vacation (even with some travel snafus) and feel more like myself and ready to get back at this whole healthy me thing.
Vacation included staying with friends who are both great cooks - and let me say I did not stay on task when it came to diet!! Whoo boy. It was, in all honesty, a choice that I willingly made. I was very sad before we went and I decided that what I wanted to do was re-set. And I did. We did some walking around beautiful park trails and I played with an adorable baby girl. But I also slept in and ate and drank.
So here I am on Independence Day trying to get myself in the mood to go back to work (doubtful this is going to happen, so I'll just have to show up) tomorrow and I found this article that inspired me. This kid took it in his own hands and did what we know works - portion control and moving more.
I will not eat potato salad today, will not eat chips. But I've already had a sandwich (dark rye, bread & butter pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion and CHEESE) and coffee. And I plan on drinking all my "girl beers" (Mike's).
So, here's an article I found inspiring and I'll be back here again soon.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/07/01/lose.weight.safely.ireporter/
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Vacation included staying with friends who are both great cooks - and let me say I did not stay on task when it came to diet!! Whoo boy. It was, in all honesty, a choice that I willingly made. I was very sad before we went and I decided that what I wanted to do was re-set. And I did. We did some walking around beautiful park trails and I played with an adorable baby girl. But I also slept in and ate and drank.
So here I am on Independence Day trying to get myself in the mood to go back to work (doubtful this is going to happen, so I'll just have to show up) tomorrow and I found this article that inspired me. This kid took it in his own hands and did what we know works - portion control and moving more.
I will not eat potato salad today, will not eat chips. But I've already had a sandwich (dark rye, bread & butter pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion and CHEESE) and coffee. And I plan on drinking all my "girl beers" (Mike's).
So, here's an article I found inspiring and I'll be back here again soon.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/07/01/lose.weight.safely.ireporter/
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Saturday, June 25, 2011
A Beautiful Day
Today is the funeral. It is a gorgeous early summer day, birds are singing, there are tiny puffy clouds in a clear blue sky and I am going on vacation. I decided not to go to the funeral after much discussion with my husband and her's. The very thought of being there when I don't believe she is (I mean the body she was once living in is but SHE isn't.) made me ill. Add to it the fact that I am flying to vacation today and I have decided that my funeral, my good-bye, will be a different process.
Today I woke up early and cried, again. But not as much as I have. And then I came out to sit in the sun with the cat. Not unlike what she would normally do on the weekends. I forgot to mention Tigger in my tribute to her. Tigger is Charlene's cat. She got her 12 years ago, about the same time as my cat came to live with me. Tigger is a scrawny little mop head in the muted calico colors of white, grey and peach. And she doesn't love anyone but Charlene. Maybe Charlene's husband. But generally that cat is just pissy. So on the weekends when I would go over to her house I would greet Tigger from afar. And she would hiss politely at me from the blanket on the back of the couch.
Today I will move on from my sad songs. I will put Florence & The Machine in my iPod for the trip and I will go play with a baby girl and her parents and rehab myself.
Today I woke up early and cried, again. But not as much as I have. And then I came out to sit in the sun with the cat. Not unlike what she would normally do on the weekends. I forgot to mention Tigger in my tribute to her. Tigger is Charlene's cat. She got her 12 years ago, about the same time as my cat came to live with me. Tigger is a scrawny little mop head in the muted calico colors of white, grey and peach. And she doesn't love anyone but Charlene. Maybe Charlene's husband. But generally that cat is just pissy. So on the weekends when I would go over to her house I would greet Tigger from afar. And she would hiss politely at me from the blanket on the back of the couch.
Today I will move on from my sad songs. I will put Florence & The Machine in my iPod for the trip and I will go play with a baby girl and her parents and rehab myself.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
still here
not doing ok with this. Took Monday off. Left today at 1pm and took tomorrow off. Grief is a helluva thing. It knocks you off your axis and makes you all dizzy till you think you're gonna puke. Actually on Sunday night I did puke. Just so sad.
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
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