so, I haven't forgotten this blog. I haven't stopped being careful with what I eat. I haven't gotten into a regular exercise pattern tho....and I've been extremely caught up in work politic crap.
to be continued....
One day. One step. One pound at a time
~N
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
well...
hahahahahahaaaa. yeah, getting up in the mornings to do P90X is not happening. Not even once did it happen. We both looked at each other and said "I could make up an excuse but I don't want to do it." So last night I got out the old Wii system and yes, it still tells me "that's obese" and that I'm unbalanced but it turns out that I did learn some yoga stuff from the insane 90X guy and I did much better. And hey, it was exercise!!
Packing lunches is a known quantity for getting good food versus what I am more likely to buy if left to my own devices during my 30 min lunches so I was happy to have some of hubby's yummy tofu and veggies (peppers, onions, cilantro) for lunch today.
So, it's not the insanity of P90X but it is exercise. And THAT my friends is honesty and it's what counts.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Packing lunches is a known quantity for getting good food versus what I am more likely to buy if left to my own devices during my 30 min lunches so I was happy to have some of hubby's yummy tofu and veggies (peppers, onions, cilantro) for lunch today.
So, it's not the insanity of P90X but it is exercise. And THAT my friends is honesty and it's what counts.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thunderstruck
If you don't know AC/DC you won't recognize the title as one of (imho) the most kick-ass songs there is. That song is at the beginning of my playlist for my work outs. And today I am going to complete the playlist. And re-start the P90X program with hubby.
Coming back from vacation and KNOWING I ate more than usual (yummy goodness) it was really very cool to have 3 people tell me "you're losing more weight". And yet I know I gained 3 pounds. But that tells me that the changes in diet have really been ingrained because in the past it would have taken no time whatsoever to gain a good 10 pounds without thinking about it.
We've been talking about the long-term goals. And being healthy. And I feel better when we eat good food and I know that exercising makes me feel better (even tho before I do it I really do NOT want to). So today we will re-start the program. And the goal is to do it in the mornings. Oh boy I don't want to do it. But this is the way to look at it: by the time I get home from work I won't have to do the work out. I will be able to just CHILL.
We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Coming back from vacation and KNOWING I ate more than usual (yummy goodness) it was really very cool to have 3 people tell me "you're losing more weight". And yet I know I gained 3 pounds. But that tells me that the changes in diet have really been ingrained because in the past it would have taken no time whatsoever to gain a good 10 pounds without thinking about it.
We've been talking about the long-term goals. And being healthy. And I feel better when we eat good food and I know that exercising makes me feel better (even tho before I do it I really do NOT want to). So today we will re-start the program. And the goal is to do it in the mornings. Oh boy I don't want to do it. But this is the way to look at it: by the time I get home from work I won't have to do the work out. I will be able to just CHILL.
We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Monday, July 4, 2011
Independence Day
Hello there. It is a gorgeous day and I am happy today. I had a perfect vacation (even with some travel snafus) and feel more like myself and ready to get back at this whole healthy me thing.
Vacation included staying with friends who are both great cooks - and let me say I did not stay on task when it came to diet!! Whoo boy. It was, in all honesty, a choice that I willingly made. I was very sad before we went and I decided that what I wanted to do was re-set. And I did. We did some walking around beautiful park trails and I played with an adorable baby girl. But I also slept in and ate and drank.
So here I am on Independence Day trying to get myself in the mood to go back to work (doubtful this is going to happen, so I'll just have to show up) tomorrow and I found this article that inspired me. This kid took it in his own hands and did what we know works - portion control and moving more.
I will not eat potato salad today, will not eat chips. But I've already had a sandwich (dark rye, bread & butter pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion and CHEESE) and coffee. And I plan on drinking all my "girl beers" (Mike's).
So, here's an article I found inspiring and I'll be back here again soon.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/07/01/lose.weight.safely.ireporter/
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Vacation included staying with friends who are both great cooks - and let me say I did not stay on task when it came to diet!! Whoo boy. It was, in all honesty, a choice that I willingly made. I was very sad before we went and I decided that what I wanted to do was re-set. And I did. We did some walking around beautiful park trails and I played with an adorable baby girl. But I also slept in and ate and drank.
So here I am on Independence Day trying to get myself in the mood to go back to work (doubtful this is going to happen, so I'll just have to show up) tomorrow and I found this article that inspired me. This kid took it in his own hands and did what we know works - portion control and moving more.
I will not eat potato salad today, will not eat chips. But I've already had a sandwich (dark rye, bread & butter pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion and CHEESE) and coffee. And I plan on drinking all my "girl beers" (Mike's).
So, here's an article I found inspiring and I'll be back here again soon.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/07/01/lose.weight.safely.ireporter/
One day. One pound. One step at a time.
~N
Saturday, June 25, 2011
A Beautiful Day
Today is the funeral. It is a gorgeous early summer day, birds are singing, there are tiny puffy clouds in a clear blue sky and I am going on vacation. I decided not to go to the funeral after much discussion with my husband and her's. The very thought of being there when I don't believe she is (I mean the body she was once living in is but SHE isn't.) made me ill. Add to it the fact that I am flying to vacation today and I have decided that my funeral, my good-bye, will be a different process.
Today I woke up early and cried, again. But not as much as I have. And then I came out to sit in the sun with the cat. Not unlike what she would normally do on the weekends. I forgot to mention Tigger in my tribute to her. Tigger is Charlene's cat. She got her 12 years ago, about the same time as my cat came to live with me. Tigger is a scrawny little mop head in the muted calico colors of white, grey and peach. And she doesn't love anyone but Charlene. Maybe Charlene's husband. But generally that cat is just pissy. So on the weekends when I would go over to her house I would greet Tigger from afar. And she would hiss politely at me from the blanket on the back of the couch.
Today I will move on from my sad songs. I will put Florence & The Machine in my iPod for the trip and I will go play with a baby girl and her parents and rehab myself.
Today I woke up early and cried, again. But not as much as I have. And then I came out to sit in the sun with the cat. Not unlike what she would normally do on the weekends. I forgot to mention Tigger in my tribute to her. Tigger is Charlene's cat. She got her 12 years ago, about the same time as my cat came to live with me. Tigger is a scrawny little mop head in the muted calico colors of white, grey and peach. And she doesn't love anyone but Charlene. Maybe Charlene's husband. But generally that cat is just pissy. So on the weekends when I would go over to her house I would greet Tigger from afar. And she would hiss politely at me from the blanket on the back of the couch.
Today I will move on from my sad songs. I will put Florence & The Machine in my iPod for the trip and I will go play with a baby girl and her parents and rehab myself.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
still here
not doing ok with this. Took Monday off. Left today at 1pm and took tomorrow off. Grief is a helluva thing. It knocks you off your axis and makes you all dizzy till you think you're gonna puke. Actually on Sunday night I did puke. Just so sad.
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
All week I've been eating much less than normal - so there's that. But it's because my stomach is in knots and I just don't feel like eating. THIS is the depression that I had said I'd wished I had. I know it's grief tho. I know this. And I will go through it.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who pioneered much work on death and dying. In fact her book of that title "On Death and Dying" (1969) is a best-seller and the Kubler-Ross model is taught in many schools. I learned it in grad school. It speaks of 5 stages of grief. These stages are not meant to be chronological nor comprehensive. Everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack my 2 aunts fought bitterly over the way each other was grieving. The older went around moving things, cleaning things and generally being a bossy pants. The younger one cried. And cried. And cried. And got angry at the older one who did not cry. And the older one got angry at the younger one who did not help. It all came to a head when the older told the younger to do something that starts with the letter F and ends with off and my dad called me to come and intervene. I said to them both "you lost your dad. You are grieving. It's ok. Just remember that you are BOTH grieving. And don't try to make the other's grief look like your's. It is her's."
The 5 stages of grief are: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And you can go in and out of any and all or none of these during your experience with grief.
I am in the Depression part. I cry at least 10 times a day. And that may be an under-estimation. I know that this is part of my process. And part of letting it out is to listen to a BUNCH of music that lets/makes me cry. Not a complete list but here are a few songs in my playlist: Arvo Part - Tabula Rasa, Eva Cassidy - Somewhere over the Rainbow, Dave Matthews - The Space Between, Don McLean - Vincent, Coldplay - Fix You, Lynne Dawson (thank you R) - Verdi's Requiem (the requiem aeternum.....wow), Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah, Devotchka - How it Ends, Radiohead - Videotape, Joe Cocker - Have a Little Faith in Me, Tori Amos - Time, Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs.
And I listen and cry. And let it out. This is grief. It sucks. And it's a part of life. Luckily for me I have wonderful supportive friends and family who know when to ask and when to leave me be.
Carpe Diem.
~N
Monday, June 20, 2011
*poof*
Wow. So this last week was full of lots of family fun, with birthdays for my dad and nephew and yesterday's Father's Day and birthday party for the 9 year old. Too many carbs to count and my body was already repenting for this when I got a message last night from the husband of a very dear friend. And I called him. And the entire concept of eating, much less smiling was gone in one short sentence.
Charlene died on Friday. Charlene was my friend, 42 yrs old and now she is gone. She and I met right out of college, we were both therapists at a community mental health clinic and quickly realized that we were meant to be friends. Sarcasm? Check. Laughter? Check. And uncanny knack for finding fantastic shopping deals at bargain basement prices? Double check. Charlene was one of 2 people that heavily influenced my thought processes when it comes to decorating your space (the other is the friend that inspired me to start this blog, M) and she was (just like M) OCD to the extent that I - being the pain in the ass that I am - would delight in tormenting her. I would regularly delight in telling her, as I was leaving her house in Boise that was decorated like something out of Pottery Barn or Pier 1, "I moved something in your kitchen" and skip out the door as she yelled bad words at me and went to go re-organize.
She was taller than I am, nearly 6' and rail thin. She could eat. A LOT. And never gain weight. For which I called her "bitch". Many a weekend was spent going to Home Depot to pick out stuff, or look at stuff to buy later to make her little house into a gorgeous place. She was an ex-Mormon and answered my questions about the "magical underwear" and other things that I wanted to know. She drank gallons of Diet Coke in what she lovingly called "beveragezilla" - a 72 oz red tub that sat between us in her old white Ford Taurus while we listened to the soundtrack for Rent (which to this day I have not seen but I know by heart). We used to greet each other with the phrase "rice and beans and.....cheese" (from the musical) and she had a raunchy fantastic sense of humor.
Charlene knew me when I was in the depths of my depression. Days when I would not get out of bed until she would show up (she had a key) and stand in my doorway and say "get your ASS out of bed". She knew what to say and what not to say. In 2001 she was packing for a conference in Seattle and I sat on the bed while she (perfectly) packed all of her things. I said "don't forget the lingerie!" She had broken up with her boyfriend in the last year (a lawyer, and a jerk) and she looked at me down that long beautiful nose of her's and said "what the hell for?!" I said "you never know..." So she packed it. And went to the conference. And was in an elevator in the hotel where the conference was being held when they had the earthquake. The other person in the elevator was a therapist that worked for the VA and they were married 18 months later. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding - something I do not ever do. I wore a dress and everything. And after making a (not a little bit drunk) toast at her reception we wandered out to the bar. Me in my navy blue dress, made by her mother (still a Mormon, it was the opposite of revealing, and HOT, not in a good way) and Charlene in her beautiful white wedding dress. We sat on bar stools and toasted to the future. And to getting what you want.
Life kept us busy in our own areas - she in Colorado Springs for a while, and then eventually to New Mexico. And me here in the Northwest, rebuilding my life. About 2 years ago I realized I hadn't talked to her in at least 2 years and I wasn't at all sure where she lived anymore and didn't have her latest email address. So I went on a Google search and cold-mailed her at the last address I found. 2 weeks later I got the first of many emails and just over a month ago we got to see each other face to face when she was here for a conference with her husband.
She had chronic pain and at this early stage of the investigation (she was found last night, her husband had been out of town for work - so they always do an investigation) it appears that she had an adverse reaction to her pain medications. I am still processing this whole thing. I am incredibly sad and heart-sick over the loss of such an amazing person. So full of life. And gone in an instant. In a phone call that, even as I was dialing I knew would change things forever.
You will hear this from me on many occasions dear reader, because I believe it to be of paramount importance, do not waste time or put off telling the people in your life that you love them. You simply never know when you won't get another chance.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
Charlene died on Friday. Charlene was my friend, 42 yrs old and now she is gone. She and I met right out of college, we were both therapists at a community mental health clinic and quickly realized that we were meant to be friends. Sarcasm? Check. Laughter? Check. And uncanny knack for finding fantastic shopping deals at bargain basement prices? Double check. Charlene was one of 2 people that heavily influenced my thought processes when it comes to decorating your space (the other is the friend that inspired me to start this blog, M) and she was (just like M) OCD to the extent that I - being the pain in the ass that I am - would delight in tormenting her. I would regularly delight in telling her, as I was leaving her house in Boise that was decorated like something out of Pottery Barn or Pier 1, "I moved something in your kitchen" and skip out the door as she yelled bad words at me and went to go re-organize.
She was taller than I am, nearly 6' and rail thin. She could eat. A LOT. And never gain weight. For which I called her "bitch". Many a weekend was spent going to Home Depot to pick out stuff, or look at stuff to buy later to make her little house into a gorgeous place. She was an ex-Mormon and answered my questions about the "magical underwear" and other things that I wanted to know. She drank gallons of Diet Coke in what she lovingly called "beveragezilla" - a 72 oz red tub that sat between us in her old white Ford Taurus while we listened to the soundtrack for Rent (which to this day I have not seen but I know by heart). We used to greet each other with the phrase "rice and beans and.....cheese" (from the musical) and she had a raunchy fantastic sense of humor.
Charlene knew me when I was in the depths of my depression. Days when I would not get out of bed until she would show up (she had a key) and stand in my doorway and say "get your ASS out of bed". She knew what to say and what not to say. In 2001 she was packing for a conference in Seattle and I sat on the bed while she (perfectly) packed all of her things. I said "don't forget the lingerie!" She had broken up with her boyfriend in the last year (a lawyer, and a jerk) and she looked at me down that long beautiful nose of her's and said "what the hell for?!" I said "you never know..." So she packed it. And went to the conference. And was in an elevator in the hotel where the conference was being held when they had the earthquake. The other person in the elevator was a therapist that worked for the VA and they were married 18 months later. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding - something I do not ever do. I wore a dress and everything. And after making a (not a little bit drunk) toast at her reception we wandered out to the bar. Me in my navy blue dress, made by her mother (still a Mormon, it was the opposite of revealing, and HOT, not in a good way) and Charlene in her beautiful white wedding dress. We sat on bar stools and toasted to the future. And to getting what you want.
Life kept us busy in our own areas - she in Colorado Springs for a while, and then eventually to New Mexico. And me here in the Northwest, rebuilding my life. About 2 years ago I realized I hadn't talked to her in at least 2 years and I wasn't at all sure where she lived anymore and didn't have her latest email address. So I went on a Google search and cold-mailed her at the last address I found. 2 weeks later I got the first of many emails and just over a month ago we got to see each other face to face when she was here for a conference with her husband.
She had chronic pain and at this early stage of the investigation (she was found last night, her husband had been out of town for work - so they always do an investigation) it appears that she had an adverse reaction to her pain medications. I am still processing this whole thing. I am incredibly sad and heart-sick over the loss of such an amazing person. So full of life. And gone in an instant. In a phone call that, even as I was dialing I knew would change things forever.
You will hear this from me on many occasions dear reader, because I believe it to be of paramount importance, do not waste time or put off telling the people in your life that you love them. You simply never know when you won't get another chance.
One day. One step. One pound at a time.
~N
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